Question: My 13-year-old son, Zak, is smart and sensitive, but he’s not athletic and he’s a bit small for his age. He’s started describing himself as a ‘nobody,’ and says none of the other kids in his class will talk to him. He’s losing interest in school and other activities, although he’s still enjoying his music lessons.

Answer: Zak is at the age (early adolescence, 11-14 years old) when peer acceptance is critically important to his self-esteem, and when peer acceptance is more gender-stereotyped than at any other time. Boys of his age tend to judge each other and base their own self-esteem at least partly on their athletic ability, which isn’t his strong suit. Also, in most schools, it’s not cool for a boy to be smart, which may be another problem for Zak.

Zak will outgrow this period with lots of strengths that matter more than being popular and athletic in middle school, but he doesn’t know that yet. You can reassure him about this, and illustrate your reassurance with stories about men (friends, family, or people in the public eye) who had similar experiences at his age, and went on to lead happy, fulfilling lives.

It’s also important to find one or more peer groups outside of school where Zak can fit in and enjoy his time. The best way to do this is to identify at least one area of interest—in his case music, and there may be other areas, too—and look for group activities that focus on these areas. This might be an extracurricular club, a band, a summer camp, a community program, a church choir—anything where people are getting together who value his areas of interest and where he’s able to feel like a contributor. The activities don’t have to be geared for his age. It’s great if they are, but that’s secondary to him having an experience he enjoys, where he contributes and fits in.

You might also look for a teacher or mentor who can help Zak develop his interests further. Feeling good about his abilities in an area that he values will enhance his self-esteem. The teacher or mentor might also help Zak find a peer group where he’ll be valued.

The first question I ask parents with concerns about peer acceptance and self-esteem is whether their child has any interests. In Zak’s case, I’m delighted to hear that he continues to enjoy his music lessons, because that gives you a focused way to help him get through this tough period in his life.

Bibliotherapy can also be helpful in situations like Zak’s. Look for books that portray kids like him—smart, sensitive, not athletic, not popular—and show them thriving and succeeding. Some places to look for recommendations:

http://www.greatpotentialpress.com/some-of-my-best-friends-are-books-3rd-edition

http://www.booksandbooks.com/books-smart-kids

http://voices.yahoo.com/best-loved-books-unique-reading-list-gifted-383888.html